•May 14, 2010 • 17 Comments

I had a lot of mixed emotions, I laughed really hard that it hurt.. (Thanks Chan)  I even cried (Thanks Memories) but one thing is reflection..

Sometimes, just sometimes, you gain a lot out of life, but a lot of the times you have to go through things, whether it is sickness, death, or romance that is lost.

but at the same time,  Sometimes we feel as if we are standing in sinking sand, no one is around to  help you..

You laugh you cry, you throw things and break them and they may never be able to be repaired.  But, the friendships that I made along the way, makes my TODAY’S

better, they make a smile that i have not smiled in a long time come on my face, tears come, but they are happy tears… Your comments, your calls, your text messages, any kind of love

or gestures of kindness that you have sent  my way, has made my day.. I am not big on a lot of the questions that’s being emailed to me, if you don’t know, Not my problem, I am not to give

out mass emails on my health.  I don’t want to hear a bunch of gossip either, if i want to know about what others that is close to me is doing I will ask them.. I am not in the mood nor in good

health to really care.. I love you all.. but I don’t love some of the things that come to me, they hurt me more than that help.  TODAY, I decided that I will NOT hear of any of this anymore.

TODAY, I decided that the people who has been in my life that wish me good and well (those that are good to me) I will always love you and care for you.  The ones that mean me harm…FUCK YOU!

and the horse that you rode in on!  TODAY!, I cannot promise you that I will be 100%, or how long I will be around, but you best believe you all gave me something to remember and take with me…


William Arthur Ward

A Piece Of Me

•April 21, 2010 • 6 Comments

I dream of a place where there is no sickness.  I dream of a place where all come together not necessarily agreeing but accepting. I had a long time to think yesterday about life.. what I have done with it, and all that I have not done with all the opportunities that I have had to make my lil word a better place, not only for me but for those that could get a break.

I think about all of the times that I was ME! ME! ME! (but daddy ripped me down to size really quick).  I learned a lot at what people seem to call my Young age.. Things I don’t think some people should have to go through at any age.  I sit and I wonder was I put on this earth to bear the pain, illness and heartache of others.. Then that is when I get a tap on my shoulder and a thought comes in my head…. It is NOT about you.. There are people out there that has it way more tough than you do.. There are people out there that in spite of all that they are going through still seem to carry that smile that, everything is okay!  I strive to be that person that everyone can look at and say Ne is happy today and every day.

My illness had made me think that It is a very cruel world out there and makes me also ask a lot of  Why Me questions… But Why Not Me?   Why is it I think that everyone else should go through hard times and why is it that I think I am any different than anyone else..  I’m  not different.. I am not immune from any form of sickness.. I am Me.. I am not happy to be in the situations that are going on in my life… But I love this crazy life. I love the laughs, the phone calls the text messages the smiles I love it all.. I give them in return.. I never thought I would say this but yes.. These things make you a stronger person.. Makes you want to jump up and down and say Hey I am kicking your ass Illness and there is nothing you can do about it.  And then there are times when I am saying Okay , can I die already! I don’t want this anymore..

Then I realize through so many of my friends.. I am going to be alright, I am going to make it and I am going to endure all this pain and make something come out of it that is good, right? I dunno maybe this is meds talking but right now I am going to get in bed before CD sends a really bad virus to my computer.  (he is capable of this) shhh don’t tell him I said that!

This is just a piece of me, what I am feeling right now.. It may change as soon as the meds wear off!  lol


My Thoughts… My Life, or something like it!

•April 15, 2010 • 9 Comments

Ok, What the hell is going on with my Intimate underwear drawer?  I think someone is wearing my undies.  I mean really really really…

I know this is prolly not the place where you come to tell these things.. but I have been missing a lot, NO they are not in Cali, They were here not to long ago.  I kept on putting my hand in the drawer pulling them out one by one and counting them, making sure the set was complete and I will tell you there are 3 missing!!  I am not happy they were my favorite color.. (FUCHSIA), and they are gone..

As I combed the hall, making my way to the Laundry room.. It was like it was giving me hints to where they were.. but of course I was just wanting to look in the washer and the dryer to see if they were there.  Then I went to  my moms room to see if she stole accidentally took them in there with her clothing.. Tho I did find my nail polish that had been missing, there was NO NEUndies there.

I was almost in tears that a set of something that I love to death was separated, it is almost like twins being separated at birth. (Guys it really hurt me) !!!!

I then woke up with real tears in my eyes and laying on the floor.. It was a freak dream!  Now what if it was a diamond or something?  I just may have been on the brink of suicide.

Okay that is my thoughts and my life as of today that I wanted to share.. I know I am Crazy but at least It was a dream  right? hahahhaha

Love you all!

I am back, I think? & I scored a interview with a up and coming World Architect.

•April 13, 2010 • 10 Comments

Hello Ladies & Gents.  I am back from my escape so to say, I had a really good time and Now all I want to do is sleep! lol

I want to thank everyone for wishing me well on my trip and all.  I am trying to get back in the groove of blogging and visiting blogs also.   I have been around a lot of people here on blogger and I have some Die hard friends and loved ones on here.. One of them is someone who I have to roll my eyes at from time to time and I also have to say He is RIGHT most of the time. Gosh I hate to admit that.  lol   He has helped me discover a lot about myself and I really and truly value him.. He does not leave, he calls me all the time to check on me and HE makes me so mad sometimes I wanna hit him.🙂 but I love him a lot.  I sent him some questions to answer and he did a good job at answering them and I am going to post them now… Welcome the Architect to my page…

1.what makes you so outspoken or opinionated?
An interesting first question. Honestly these are just my inherent qualities like a second skin. Somehow have been in a leadership role since I have been a kid so have had to speak up. Also am a designer and I have conviction in what  I do – and for me to put these ideas across I have to be a bit blunt so maybe it has rubbed on in my personal life.

And we all know that opinions are like a^%oles and everyone has one – except that someone like me states them more openly. Now I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing – it just is.

Here is an interesting little paragraph that  I read recently that is somewhat related to this question.

Unless you drop your personality you will not be able to find your individuality. Individuality is given by existence; personality is imposed by the society. Personality is social convenience.

Society cannot tolerate individuality, because individuality will not follow like a sheep. Individuality has the quality of the lion; the lion moves alone. The sheep are always in the crowd, hoping that being in the crowd will feel cozy. Being in the crowd one feels more protected, secure. If somebody attacks, there is every possibility in a crowd to save yourself. But alone? – only the lions move alone.

And every one of you is born a lion, but the society goes on conditioning you, programming your mind as a sheep. It gives you a personality, a cozy personality, nice, very convenient, very obedient. Society wants slaves, not people who are absolutely dedicated to freedom. Society wants slaves because all the vested interests want obedience.

Osho One Seed Makes the Whole Earth Green

2. If you had one thing you could add to yourself, what would it be?
Some height and maybe a girlfriend and not joke a lot with serious people who get offended too quickly – hehehe.
On a serious note – when you feel incomplete you want to add something to yourself. In this process what you are doing is living a life in anticipation of something that we have no control over – resulting in your not enjoying today as it is.
Also what is the guarantee that when you add that thing you will feel complete – its a never-ending cycle.
I have trained myself to live in the moment – yes there are times when I am sad or dejected – but this awareness that nothing is permanent – happiness or grief – I just AM.

3.  If you could take away one thing from yourself, what would it be?

Some beer belly.

Again I think I feel ok being the way I am – as I don’t let other peoples opinions about me affect me. Being “outspoken” and “jovial” there are people who did not like that side of me so I tried to change – and then came friends who missed my being my old self….so over the years….I believe that I have a democratic right to be who I am and I will be – and I respect your democratic right to choose.

4.  sugar-coating things, or telling it like it is?
I tell like it is – it helps put things in perspective and then one does not have to keep making excuses or justify the sugar-coating lies. Again like I said before there are friends and family who call me to put things straight for them and there are those who are afraid of the truth. I also have learnt that this attitude does not work in a personal relationship – but I prefer to be single than sugar coat and have a diabetic relationship.
What do you want out of this life?

My journey from where I was born to where I am today – with all the hiccups – exhilaration – achievements – has been really interesting – so if that is any indication – life ahead is only going to be as interesting and chaotic  – so whatever it has to offer I am ready to accept.

The very same person I met and he befriended me and does not hold his tongue tells me like it is and he also likes it when I tell him like it is also!  He is a great guy and I am proud to tell the world this man is Great, Genuine, Positive and VERY outright OUTSPOKEN I would not trade him for anything in the world.  This is Chintan aka CD aka Ceedy.  I hope if you ever cross his path you will learn a lot from him as I have.  Love You CD.. Stay the same and if you change, Ole well I just may have to be a LIL OUTSPOKEN with you next!!!

I’m Going On A Road Trip!

•April 6, 2010 • 4 Comments

Howdy my Loves.. I am going on a road trip.. As soon as I leave from my appt today I am heading out on a drive that will land me in Ohio.. I know you are thinking  that it is only and hour away well NOPE! I am going a little further this time.  I am going almost 6 hrs away lol!   Gonna spend sometime with my friend.  Her hubby is away for awhile and I am going to stay with her until Friday or Saturday.  Then I will head back home!!!

Chintan aka CD is taking care of the farm.. Everytime I am away I have to make sure that my farm is taken care of.   I need this..I will be in Amish Country and I love it.. The fresh country air and time outside with a dear friend I have not seen in awhile.. Soo be good and all that good stuff.. and I am going to miss you all..

Mike, please don’t hurt anything or get hurt until I come back, Promise??? 



I would, but I can’t…..

•April 6, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I just left from a really good friends blog, I prefer to call her my sister because of all the good times we share as soon as we start chatting..  We can pick up from 2mths ago and it seems like we have never left contact with one another.  It is Mehr.  She talks about writing and why she loves. 

I love it also, I remember when I first started my blog, I was making 3 or 4 entries a day.. I loved putting down my feelings and I loved sharing the good and the bad with whomever read my page.. Then all of a sudden it became a job, something I had to do.. 

SO many things that I would love to pen down, beit heartbreak, happiness or just joyous occasions.. I would, but I can’t.. I can no longer share myself with some of the people here that I used to, because they don’t understand me. They don’t see where I am coming from or how far it has taken me to get where I am today.  They see the distant Hannah, The one that is scared to get close or the one that would just like to be left alone.  They don’t see the girl who can laugh so loud that she could bust your ear drums or The one that never stops talking..

I would, but I can’t.. Set myself up for failure anymore, I can no longer see the animals or the shapes that the clouds make in the sky anymore. I think all of a sudden I lost my innocent way of thinking.. I cannot get it back…

I would be a little more frequent in blogging if I had something to make you laugh and smile and just pee your pants reading, but I can’t. I am not Nehya anymore. I don’t know who I am at this time.. All I really know is, I would But I can’t.

p.s I am standing with my life jacket on and my floaters on my arm. It is better to take a road that you know you can travel safer than the one that you know nothing about. I Hannah Kohen will take the way that was shown to me many years ago, at least I know what to expect from it.

Comments have been turned off for this post.. Only expressing to get this off my chest!!

Home is where the heart is, right?

•March 23, 2010 • 5 Comments

Home Sweet Home, is what they call it.. I have been home since Friday.. laying in the bed and I have to say I was really happy to get here.  But now all I do is sleep… I know Sleep is good for healing  and so I must really be on the road to a really good recovery. 

I wanted to say thank you for all of your phone calls and those that listened to me vent, even tho no one could really hear me. Even tho I am suppose to remain quiet and Mute as CD has said.  I pray for a day with no more pain, and also a day when I am not sick… I want to live my life… I want to see things that I have never seen before, I want to have a lil me walking around that loves to shop and loves to love.  Marriage maybe in the cards one day but that I am not worried about.. I will marry when my time comes and if it never does I still want to be able to smother a child in my love. This laying in the bed is making me think a lot and I am not really good at handling  all of these thoughts at once..

I wanna dance a dance that is only mine, and smile do big and light up a darkened starless sky.  I wanna be me again, I wanna laugh without forcing myself to laugh.. I know i am going through the withdrawals of nothing to do blues.  This is not like me to ya know just lay around and do nothing, but this time i am actually listening to the Dr. (hand clap) okay off to reading again.l  Yes I read.. I have beauty and brains! hahahahah Gosh I had a laugh at my own expense! lol 

Okay time to read my bible… If I am going to see G-d soon I sure need to know a little bit more about him! 


Hannah Ne